


Okay

by JustAnotherShadow503



Series: Soul Mates 'Verse [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Bottom Harry, Butt Plugs, Canon Compliant, Cock Rings, Collars, Daddy Kink, Dom Louis, Dom/sub, Dom/sub Play, Even when it is, Eventual Happy Ending, Feminine Harry, Feminization, Happy Ending, Harry in Lace, Harry in Panties, Harry-centric, Kink Negotiation, Louis Tomlinson Calls Harry Styles Pet Names, M/M, Mentioned Breath Play, Mentioned Cock Cages, Mentioned Enemas, Mentioned Knife Play, Mentioned Liam, Mentioned Pregnancy Kink, Mentioned Wax Play, Non-Sexual Submission, Phone Sex, References to Addiction, References to Near Death Experience, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sequel, Sub Harry, Subdrop, Subspace, Top Louis, mentioned niall, past self-harm, references to death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 12:50:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5334791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherShadow503/pseuds/JustAnotherShadow503
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is frustrated.</p><p>It's been almost two years since he and Louis got back together, and nothing has changed. Well, they have changed, and their situation has gotten a lot better, but their sex life? Vanilla. Completely and utterly vanilla.</p><p>Harry really thought that after Louis' dirty talk when they got back together, they would get into some kinkier shit, but nope. Louis still makes love to him and calls him sweet names, and that's nice, Harry absolutely loves it, but sometimes, he gets this itch that making love can't scratch.</p><p>Or, the one where Harry and Louis try to start a dom/sub BDSM relationship, and nothing goes according to plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! Wow! Another fic from me? And it hasn't even been a year? Amazing!
> 
> Anyways, here's the long awaited sequel to Soul Mate. Sorry it took so long. Two years now, huh? But, just a forewarning, it's really dark at times, with lots of self-deprecating Harry. Also, we learn a new thing or two about the last fic, since I realized that amnesia, even temporary, wouldn't result from just blood loss. I highly recommend you read Soul Mate if you haven't already, since there will be a lot of references to that here. It can be read alone, but I would still recommend reading that one first.
> 
> I'll admit, the title is a bit lackluster, but it just fits. You'll see why later.
> 
> Also, let me know if there's a mistake I missed or if I missed any tags.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR PAST SUICIDE ATTEMPT(even if it was accidental) AND MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! IF THIS IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU, PLEASE DON'T READ THIS FIC. PLEASE BE SAFE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH!

Harry is frustrated.

It's been almost two years since he and Louis got back together, and nothing has changed. Well, they have changed, and their situation has gotten a lot better, but their sex life? Vanilla. Completely and utterly vanilla.

Harry really thought that after Louis' dirty talk when they got back together, they would get into some kinkier shit, but nope. Louis still makes love to him and calls him sweet names, and that's nice, Harry absolutely loves it, but sometimes, he gets this itch that making love can't scratch.

He needs harsh fucking, name calling, dirty talk, praise and punishments, being held down and forced to take whatever Louis will give him. Harry just needs, sometimes, and it seems that no matter how many hints Harry has tried to drop, Louis is either willfully ignoring it, or he's being particularly obtuse. It's a toss up with Louis at times.

Harry knows that he's been snapping more recently, and for no good reason. Louis most likely has no idea what's wrong, just that something is, but it hasn't gotten serious enough for Louis to worry too much. Harry knows he should just talk to Louis, but how? How does he bring up something like that? "Hey, Lou, do you think you can tie me up and smack me around, call me Daddy's good girl, your pretty little slut?" Yeah, no. That sounds like a terrible idea. Louis won't even hold him down when they have sex, aside from holding his hips to keep him from thrusting when Louis goes down on him. Even then, it's not enough to bruise, not nearly.

Harry just doesn't know what to do to approach the idea. Regardless, Harry is going to enjoy the time he and Louis are spending apart for once, since the older man is going home to visit his family. (Harry has an open invitation to join them at any time, but he's elected to stay home for this week they have.)

Harry will get rid of this frustration he has, even if it's by himself. After this week, he hopes to get this itch out of his system and everything goes back to being okay again.

~

"You sure you're gonna be okay here by yourself for the week?" Louis asks worriedly and he puts another suitcase in the boot of his car. You would think he's leaving for a month, not a week, for how much he's packed. It's always been an endearing quirk of his that Harry can't seem to get over.

Ever since Harry's stay in the hospital, Louis has been particularly delicate with him, acting as if leaving Harry alone for an extended period of time will make the younger man commit suicide. It's gotten better since those first few months(a dark spot in Harry's memory where Louis wouldn't let him out of his sight, to the point of removing all the locks on the doors. Harry remembers having to reason with Louis for hours to convince him that removing the doors themselves was entirely unnecessary), and Harry tries not to be annoyed, tries really hard to be sympathetic, since he really did scare Louis, but honestly? It's been two years. The only blades he's picked up ever since have been for cooking, when he's putting dishes away, or opening a package or whatever, and even then, Louis hovers if he's around.

"Yeah, I'll manage. Have fun on your visit. Tell everyone I said hello," Harry says with a slightly forced smile.

Louis tilts his head to the side, probably realizing something is off, but unable to figure out what.

"You okay, Haz? You've been really tense lately," Louis observes, slamming the boot shut and turning to face the younger man fully.

Harry pauses.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing that can't be sorted out by lazing around the house watching shit telly. Call me when you get there, yeah?" Harry says, changing the subject as casually as he can manage to hide his lie. Even after all these years, he's still a shit actor.

After a few moments of staring, Louis sighs and nods

"Okay. Be safe. Love you."

Louis leans up and presses his lips to Harry's chastely before pulling back with a smile.

"Love you, too," Harry replies, feeling his lips part into a small, genuine smile in return. Despite his frustration with their sex life, Harry really does love Louis, and nothing will ever change that.

Harry watches Louis get into the car and back out of the drive, waving to him until he turns the corner. Once Louis is out of sight, Harry turns for the door and enters the house, locking the door behind him. No one should be coming by until Louis returns at the end of the week.

Harry strolls up the stairs to his and Louis' bedroom and opens up his laptop. After it boots up, Harry checks on the shipping status of the orders he made last night after Louis went to sleep and is pleased to see that they should all be here by this afternoon. He can't wait. It will definitely be worth the splurge from his private bank account(the one Louis has absolutely no access to), separate from his and Louis' joint account. Harry just hopes Louis doesn't find them.

Everything will be okay as long as that doesn't happen.

~

Harry jumps when he hears the doorbell ring, startling him from his game of Geometry Dash and causing him to die at his new record of 87%. Harry curses quietly as he pauses the game, standing from the couch and walking to the front door. After signing for the packages and thanking the delivery man, Harry takes the boxes up to his room, grabbing a steak knife on his way through the kitchen.

Once Harry is comfortable on his bed with his packages all around him, Harry pick up the knife and cuts through the tape on the smallest one. The long-haired man carefully places the knife on his bedside table as he pulls the contents of the box out.

Harry smiles as he feels the soft silk and scratchy lace of the panties in his hand, a soft pink color that contrasts well with his skin tone, in his opinion. The thigh highs that come with the panties are pure white, with little pink bows at the top in the middle of each sock.

Harry pulls out the last item in the box and feels his cheeks flush a bit. Sure, being caught wearing women's undergarments would be a bit embarrassing, but a soft, black leather collar? Harry would be mortified.

Harry takes a moment to admire the collar, feeling his cock start to chub up in his pants just imagining how it will feel to wear it, before he moves on to the other boxes.

In the other boxes come two pairs of handcuffs, both a matching, soft, black leather to the collar, a gag with a dildo attatchment, so his mouth has something to do when he's gagged, a vibrator, a cock ring, anal beads, a vibrating plug, and a regular plug. Harry is excited to try them all before Louis comes back. Maybe then he can get rid of this awful mood he's been in lately. Maybe then everything will be okay.

~

When Louis calls him, Harry is wearing his vibrating plug, his panties, his cock ring, his collar, and his stockings. Other than that, he's naked, and Harry is grateful that Louis isn't trying to FaceTime with him. He's sure he looks a mess after doing laundry and denying himself orgasm for the past half hour.

"Hello?" Harry answers carefully.

"Hazza? Hey. I was just calling to let you know I made it to me mum's place. What have you been up to since I've been gone?" Louis says cheerfully.

Harry swallows hard. Hearing Louis' voice is making holding his orgasm back a bit difficult, even with the cock ring.

"Oh, you know," Harry says, his voice deep like it always is when he's on the edge of an orgasm, or he's just woken up. "This and that. Nothing much."

Louis pauses, not saying anything for a few moments, during which Harry tries to regulate his breathing.

"Are you wanking?" Louis asks, his voice a bit deeper.

Harry bites his lip.

"N-No," Harry says, and it's not technically a lie.

"Are you lying to me, Harold?" Louis asks sharply.

Harry chokes on a moan at that. He's never heard Louis sound like that before, so forceful and in control(at least, not in the bedroom). Just hearing his lover speak like that makes it difficult for Harry to keep from touching himself.

"Talk to me," Louis husks into the phone.

If Harry's mind wasn't so consumed with lust, he would have been confused. He and Louis have never had phone sex before. If the urge ever came up, they got off together. If they were apart, they got off by themselves. There has never been an in between.

Since Harry has been fighting off orgasm for so long, however, he doesn't have the brain capacity to think about that. All Harry can do is stifle a moan.

"'M not touching myself, D- Louis," Harry tells him, quickly covering up his mistake. If Louis notices, he doesn't mention it.

"Then why do you sound like you're about to cum?" Louis demands.

Harry decides there's no harm in telling Louis about the plug. They have used dildos before, rare occasions though they may be, so it shouldn't come as much of a surprise to the older man.

"Bought a plug," Harry slurs, feeling sweat start to form around his hairline.

The line is quiet for a few moments before Louis clears his throat.

"I'll be calling back in half an hour. Think you can hold it until then?" Louis says, suddenly sounding a bit unsure.

Harry quickly nods his head before he remembers that Louis can't see him.

"Can," Harry pants. "I can do it, Lou."

"Good. Wait for me."

With that, Louis ends the call, leaving the dial tone to ring in Harry's ear.

Harry bites his lip as he reaches down into his panties and turns the plug down to a slower vibration, more of a tease than anything else. His cock throbs angrily at him when he pulls his hand back out, the panties snapping back into place around it.

After a few minutes, Harry's head clears enough where he can think properly.

Well. That was different. Perhaps Louis won't be that hard to coerce into some of Harry's kinks after all.

Regardless of the sudden prospect, Harry sighs and decides that he'll have to move slowly, so the collar, panties, and stockings have to go. All of that, especially the collar, may be a bit too much to ease Louis into.

After Harry changes into some loose joggers, he decides to do some washing up, since he didn't get around to it last night after dinner.

Harry manages to finish with about ten minutes to spare before Louis calls back, so Harry heads up to their bedroom and sprawls back on the bed, kicking the joggers off. Harry spreads his legs and turns the plug's vibrations back up to where it was earlier when Louis called, almost writhing when his half-crunch position makes the plug sit right up against his prostate.

By the time Louis calls back, this time on FaceTime, Harry is worked back up again, and it takes the long-haired man a couple tries to accept the video call.

"'Lo?" Harry answers on reflex, despite knowing exactly who's calling.

"Well, you certainly don't waste time," Louis comments dryly, his eyes darting around the screen, presumably taking in the sight Harry makes.

Harry feels his cheeks flush a deeper color than they were before at that.

"Lou," Harry almost whines, unsure of where this is going.

"Did you cum?"

Harry's brows furrow.

"No. You didn't say I could," Harry answers in confusion, his head feeling a bit floaty.

"Good boy," Louis praises, seeming pleased with Harry's answer, which makes Harry's heart flutter in his chest. "Now, I want you to show me everything. Hands and knees."

Harry nods quickly and gets into position, stretching his arm back behind him to show Louis his pretty pink plug. When Harry hears Louis' sudden inhale, Harry knows Louis likes what he sees.

"Look so pretty with your plug, baby. Is that a cock ring, too? Didn't think you could hold it until I called again?" Louis asks, tsking quietly.

Harry shakes his head.

"No. Was wearing it before you called," Harry answers him honestly.

Louis is quiet for a few moments.

"Let me see your face, Hazza."

Harry obediently brings his phone forward and lays it against the pillows so they can see each other.

"Now, I'm going to ask you some questions. If you answer to my satisfaction, you can cum. If not, you aren't allowed until I come back home."

Harry whines high in his throat before he can stop it but nods his understanding.

"Why were you wearing a cock ring and plug before I even called?" Louis asks, his eyes serious, even if Harry can see that his hand is wrapped around his cock and is stroking slowly, almost absentmindedly.

"Needed it," Harry mumbles.

"We just had sex last night," Louis returns. "Have you suddenly become insatiable overnight?"

Harry shakes his head.

"Always need more. Don' wanna freak you out, though," Harry answers slowly.

At that, Louis stops moving his hand and stares at Harry, startled.

"Love, what could you want that would freak me out?" Louis asks.

Harry shakes his head.

"C'n we get off first, talk later? Need it," Harry repeats.

After a few moments, Louis nods, though he still looks troubled.

"Okay, baby. I want you to take off that cock ring and play with your pretty plug until you feel like you're about to cum, alright? Don't cum until I tell you to, though," Louis tells him, resuming his stroking, though he's going much faster this time, properly wanking.

Harry moans breathily as he balances on one hand, sliding the cock ring slowly up his cock and feeling it throb as even more blood rushes to it, precum dripping steadily from the tip. After dropping the ring beside him on the bed, Harry reaches back to the plug, his breath catching in his throat when just the slightest nudge makes it vibrate directly against his prostate.

After a moment to regain his bearings, Harry clasps his fingers around the base of the plug and slowly begins to pull it back out, sure that if he goes any faster, he'll cum without permission, and that's much more important that his body's needs.

Harry's head hangs low as he pulls and pushes the plug out of and into his body, feeling frustrated with the lack of length, even if the girth is decent. About three-quarters the thickness of Louis, by Harry's estimate. Despite that, Harry follows Da- Louis' instructions to the letter, pushing and pulling the plug into and out of his body until he feels himself come up to that dizzy edge of orgasm.

"Close," Harry murmurs dutifully, opening his eyes to look at Louis.

Louis' naked chest is flushed, his skin glistening lightly with sweat as his hand moves quickly up and down his erection. His eyes are wide open, staring straight at Harry, looking into his soul, Harry thinks faintly.

"Good, baby. So good for me," Louis praises breathily. "'M almost there, meself. When I say, I want you to cum, okay, baby?"

Harry nods frantically, holding off his orgasm with the strength of his will alone.

Seconds stretch into minutes before Louis finally says, "Come for me, Hazza," and Harry does.

Harry mewls as an orgasm stronger than anything he's ever experienced washes over him, weakening his muscles so much that his arms collapse beneath him, leaving his bum presented obscenely. The long-haired man keeps his eyes open as he watches Louis cum as well, his face twisting up in pleasure as pearly strings of ejaculate paint his torso.

Only after Louis has finished does Harry turn the plug off, sliding it out of himself to toss carelessly beside him as he collapses fully onto the bed. They sit in relative silence as their breathing slows, and as the haze of orgasm fades, it begins to sink in what they've done.

Harry feels panic begin to rise up in him. He thought he was ready for this, to take his relationship with Louis to the next level, but he's not prepared to have this talk with him. He's just not. Harry's never done well with confrontation before, and despite being confident in Louis' love for him, Harry isn't sure he can handle what would happen if Louis rejected him because of his kinks. It's not like the green-eyed man can help it.

"Ha-"

Just when Louis begins to speak, a miracle happens. Or, perhaps not a miracle. Harry's phone powers down from a dead battery that he didn't notice was low in his distraction. The only feeling he can feel is relief, even though Louis may get worried if he doesn't turn it back on. He kind of doesn't want to. He's not ready to have this conversation. Harry doubts he'll ever be ready.

Everything is not okay.

~

Over the next few days, Harry tries to put the call out of his mind. He plays with his new toys at every given chance, which is virtually every minute of the day, with the exception of when he needed to run down to the Tesco to grab some food and an interview with Grimmy at BBC Radio 1.

Harry still hasn't turned his phone back on, or even charged it, since it shut off the other day, but Harry's not worried. He shouldn't have any work calls he's missing, Niall and Liam are off doing their own things, and his mother and sister won't worry about him if he misses up to a week without contacting them. Used to it, he supposes.

He's not expecting Louis back for another three days, and no one else with a key should be visiting, so when Harry hears the should-be-locked front door open downstairs when he's still a bit soft and hazy and floaty from his recent orgasm, Harry panics. He throws on a turtleneck to cover his collar and some sweats to cover his panties, garters(which he ordered yesterday and received this morning), and stockings(all of which he's taken to wearing even when he's not getting off, since he likes how they feel) as he runs into the bathroom, wincing when he accidentally slams the door shut behind him. Regardless, he locks that door as well, and huddles up in the corner, where he's unable to see the door, in case someone breaks it down and peeks inside.

Harry feels himself start to tremble in fear and panic. Louis is at his mum's for another three days, the band's break is for another week and a half, and he has no other work obligations until then. If he died, no one would know. He doesn't even have his phone to call for help. Through his panic, Harry wonders why he's such an idiot and why he couldn't just talk out his issues with his life partner. If he had, he wouldn't be in this situation now.

Harry feels his breath hitch in his chest when he hears the heavy stomping up the stairs, sounding like the intruder is running, heading straight for the bedroom. Tears well up in the long-haired man's eyes when he hears the doorknob to the bathroom jiggle, followed by banging on the door.

Harry's going to die.

"Hazza! Open up! Please, open the door!" comes a voice. A familiar voice.

Harry's tears fall down his cheeks as he heaves a broken sob of relief. Louis' here. Louis' home. Louis will keep him safe.

"Harry!" Louis calls, sounding panicked.

Harry pulls himself up off of the floor and slowly makes his way to the bathroom door, unlocking it. As soon as the lock turns, the door bursts open, passing a few centimeters from his nose, and Louis rushes in, immediately gathering the taller man into a hug.

Harry brings his arms up to wrap around Louis as his tears slow, just basking in the presence of the love of his life.

After what seems like forever, Louis pulls back and takes a long look at Harry. Louis looks alarmed at what he sees.

"Hazza, what happened? Why'd you hang up all of a sudden the other day? Why didn't you call me back? Why was your phone off? Why were you crying? What happened, Harry?" Louis asks, his questions spilling out of his mouth.

Harry bites his lip and looks away from Louis.

"Thought someone broke into the house. You weren't supposed to be here for another few days," Harry murmurs, his voice croaking a bit from his recent crying, and his words a bit soft around the edges, because he's still a little in that headspace where he feels floaty.

Louis' eyes soften in understanding for a moment before he seems to realize something.

"Love, we need to talk. You've been keeping things from me again," Louis says gently.

Harry feels panic try to set in, but Louis quickly nips that in the bud by taking Harry's hand gently in his own and leading him back to their bed. Once they're both settled, Harry meets Louis' eyes.

"I promise, nothing I've been keeping from you is detrimental to my health, at least not if I have an informed partner I trust completely and totally," Harry begins slowly, having to focus on the words to make sure they come out right.

"What do you mean?" Louis asks, his eyebrows scrunching up in confusion.

Harry bites his lower lip. After a few moments of thought, he sighs and stands from the bed.

"Maybe it's better I show you some things first," Harry says, hearing how his voice shakes a bit.

Louis looks a bit alarmed, but curious at the same time. Harry just hopes Louis' not disgusted with him at the end of it.

Harry walks over to his closet and pulls out a box, bringing it over to the bed. After he sits down in his previous spot, Harry hands Louis the box, who takes it in minor confusion before he opens the lid and looks inside. The green-eyed man watches carefully as Louis' eyes widen in surprise before he looks back up at Harry.

"Are all of these sex toys?" Louis asks, voice a bit breathless.

Harry nods.

"Is that a- Is that a gag with a dildo on it?" Louis asks incredulously.

Harry feels his face flush as he nods again, avoiding Louis' eyes. He feels ashamed of it, now that Louis knows it exists. It seems slutty instead of arousing now.

"There's also some other things that aren't in the box right now that I'm already using," Harry mumbles, glancing at Louis quickly to judge his expression. He doesn't look disgusted, but he does look a bit bewildered and. Something else. It feels warm, but not like anger. Heavy, like Louis already has some ideas, and he likes them, maybe.

"Using?" Louis repeats.

Harry nods.

"I hope you don't hate me and aren't disgusted by me after I show you," Harry whispers, hearing his voice hitch on the word 'disgusted', as he stands to slowly remove the turtleneck and sweats.

Once they're gone, Harry stands there, nearly naked, looking firmly at the floor. He can't bear to look at Louis right now. He's so ashamed of himself.

"Harry," Louis murmurs, his voice breathless and tinged with awe.

Harry's eyes dart up to find Louis' traveling his body slowly, resting on the panties, thigh highs, the garters that connect the two, and collar when he comes to them.

"You look so beautiful, love. Why would you try to hide this from me? Did you think I wouldn't like it?" Louis asks, finally meeting Harry's eyes.

Harry takes a shaky breath, his eyes drifting away from Louis'. Is it really this easy?

"Partially. I sort of- I have a lot of kinks, and since we always make love, I figured you weren't interested in that kind of stuff...," Harry tells him, trailing off at the end when he loses his words.

"Look at me."

Harry obeys the command instantly, without conscious thought.

"Harry, just because we always make love doesn't mean I don't have kinks of my own. I've just forced myself to be more careful ever since- ever since we got back together," Louis explains, his voice hitching when he remembers how they got back together.

"Really?" Harry asks dubiously. Does Louis really have kinks? He's never mentioned any before, never given any indication that they exist.

Louis nods.

"I... I don't know where to start. Why don't you tell me your kinks, love?" Louis says, sounding uncertain.

Harry's breath hitches in his throat before he clears it, taking a deep breath in preparation.

"I sort of have a thing for domination and submission? Like, I want you to be my dom. I want to call you Daddy and for you to spank me when I'm bad and to praise me when I'm a good girl for you," Harry says in a rush, possibly faster than he's ever spoken in his life. He's this odd mix of uncomfortable, embarrassed, aroused, and excited to share this sort of information.

When Louis looks at Harry with wide eyes, not saying anything, Harry feels panic begin to bubble up again. Is Louis going to reject him?

"Oh, thank god."

Harry's eyes snap open, though he's unaware of when he closed them, and he stares at Louis, confused.

"Hazza, I- I've wanted a lot of that for a long time now. I thought something was wrong with me for wanting you to call me Daddy and to tie you up and hurt you. I thought it would scare you if you knew what I wanted to do to you. And I can't deny that the whole calling you my good girl thing would be hot," Louis tacks on, sounding a bit contemplative.

Harry feels his cheeks flush when he hears the words Daddy and good girl pass through Louis' lips. He's been wanting to hear them for ages, now, and he feels like a man dying of dehydration finding a long sought oasis.

"I have to ask, though, Hazza. Why do you want me to call you my good girl? Why not my good boy?" Louis asks, a bit hesitantly, like he's trying not to upset him.

Harry shudders but tries to think past the haze that's been there for the entire time they've been having this conversation, and is only getting worse the longer it goes on.

"I like feeling soft and feminine, even if I don't really look either," Harry drawls, his voice slower than usual. He's having a bit of a more difficult time than usual stringing his words together in a cohesive and understandable way. "I want to be good for you, but I like being called your good girl better than your good boy. It sort of furthers the idea that you're in control, I guess. I don't want to be a girl, though. I love my body."

Louis nods slowly, watching Harry with calculating eyes.

"How far do you want to take this aspect? Do you just want it to be sexual?" Louis asks.

Harry feels his eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. What...?

After a moment of thought, Harry realizes what he means. Does Harry want their dom/sub relationship to be restricted to their sexual life, or does he want it to flow into all aspects of their lives? Harry can't deny the warmth that burns through him at the thought of Louis having such total control over him.

Harry licks his lips, trying to ignore the way his cock is starting to thicken up between his legs where he's tucked into his panties.

"I want... Can we... Can it be in our personal and sexual lives?" Harry asks hesitantly. "Like, can you be my dom and Daddy outside of sex, too? We can have safewords if either of us need a break?"

Louis finally smiles for the first time since he left.

"I can be your full-time Daddy, baby. We can use the stop light system, yeah? Green for good, yellow for slow down, and red for stop. Does that sound okay to you?"

Harry goes over it in his head for a moment before he nods.

"That sounds good, Daddy," Harry murmurs, watching as Louis shudders a bit at the title. Harry's surprised at the strong reaction he has to the word.

After a moment, Louis seems to find his train of thought again.

"Good. Now, we need to discuss this fully before we go into anything, okay? I need you to be totally aware for this. Can you come back from wherever you are for me?"

Harry whines, an ugly feeling starting to rise up in him.

"Don't know how, Daddy."

"Shh, it's okay, baby. It's okay. I'm here. You're safe. I love you, Hazza," Louis coos as he pulls the younger man into his lap, running his fingers soothingly through Harry's loose hair.

It takes a few minutes, but Harry finally feels normal again. He doesn't feel floaty and warm anymore, but he still feels safe and loved.

"I'm okay now, I think," Harry says, pulling away from Louis' embrace a bit to look down at him.

"Good. Okay, we need to talk about this. Soft and hard limits, things that are okay, that kind of stuff. I'm sure we can find a checklist online or something, yeah?"

Harry nods.

Everything may turn out okay.

~

By the time they finish their respective lists, it's dinner time, so Harry starts making dinner while Louis sits on the counter, just watching him. Harry's used to this kind of thing by now, but he's still almost entirely naked, never having changed out of his panties, stockings, garters, and collar.

They're going to go over their lists and compile another few lists of everything they love, everything that's off-limits, and everything they don't really care for, but are willing to try. Harry was surprised to find so many kinks he was unaware he had on the list. Watersports was probably the strangest one, Harry thinks.

He had to look up the word, and while in words, it didn't sound very attractive, the videos he found made him gasp loudly enough that Louis looked up and questioned him. Watersports turned out to be a lot more intricate than he thought. While the act of getting pissed on or drinking urine doesn't appeal to Harry, Louis controlling when he uses the bathroom? That could be a thing, if Louis' up for it.

Another thing he found he likes the idea of is enemas. It's sort of in the same vein as Louis cumming inside of him(after they got tested a few months after they got back together, Harry threw out all of their condoms, and they haven't used them since), but it's so much more. Imagining the stretch, the cramps, how his normally flat tummy would bulge out like he's pregnant(another kink Harry discovered a year or so ago that wasn't actually on their lists), makes it difficult for Harry to focus on dinner, so Harry quickly turns his thoughts away from his kinks.

"Did you learn some new kinks you're interested in?" Harry asks, turning away from the stove to look at Louis.

"Yeah, I did. I really like the idea of a cock cage for you. Fucking you when you're unable to get hard is really hot," Louis replies, his eyes dilating a bit at the thought.

Harry feels a knot form in his stomach, not out of anxiety, but from arousal. Just the thought of being used by Louis and not being able to cum himself is indescribable.

Harry finds himself nodding absently as he turns back to the pasta and stirs it.

"What about you? Find anything interesting?"

"Wax play," Harry answers after a moment, thinking it a safe topic.

"That could be fun. Anything else?"

Harry thinks as he turns off the burner and takes the pot over to the sink to strain the noodles. Only once he's finished mixing the sauce together with the noodles does he answer.

"Maybe we should wait until after dinner to discuss this. Kind of hard to eat when I have to worry about keeping a clear head and not go under," Harry says, sidestepping the topic as carefully as he can. (He and Louis also did some research into the whole BDSM thing when they realized they didn't actually know a lot about it. That floaty, soft feeling Harry had early was called subspace, and when he's in subspace, it's also called being 'under'. Harry also found out about subdrop, which he thinks he might have been on the edge of when Louis came home unexpectedly earlier. It was really a scary feeling, and Harry never wants to go through that ever again.)

He found something else on the list they found online that had Harry nearly biting through his lower lip, but he's absolutely positive Louis will not agree with it or even be willing to listen. Louis is kind and understanding, but he would never understand this.

Louis watches him silently as Harry gets out bowls for them to eat their spaghetti and meat balls out of, expertly portioning out the food with the ease of someone having done it for years. Only once Harry grabs the bowls to bring them to the table does Louis jump down from the counter to grab them water bottles from the fridge and follow him out.

They sit in relative silence as they eat, Louis watching Harry, and Harry looking everywhere but Louis. The taller man knows that just makes him look more suspicious and that Louis will figure it out when they compare lists and he sees the one thing Harry didn't make a choice on. He feels dread drop like a heavy weight in his stomach the more he thinks about it. He knows Louis won't be happy about the upcoming conversation, but they need to have this talk. The last few times Harry tried to hide something from Louis, it didn't turn out so well, now did it?

They finish their meals without having spoken a single word to each other, and as Harry starts the washing up, he feels Louis' heavy gaze on him like a physical weight. It's nerve-wracking, having all of Louis' focus on him when he doesn't particularly want it at this time, when he knows it'll cause a fight(or at least a heated discussion) later.

Once Harry has washed, dried, and put away all of the dishes and pots and pans he and Louis used, Harry knows it's time, and he can't stall any longer.

The green-eyed man turns to Louis with a sigh, already tired just thinking about Louis' reaction. He knows it won't be pretty. Harry wonders why he didn't just say a firm NO and avoid this situation altogether. Maybe he unconsciously decided it was finally time they talk about it directly?

Harry follows behind Louis as he leads the way to their room, where their lists sit, face down, on their respective night stands. Harry grabs his carelessly and flops down on the bed, feeling like curling up into a ball and just... Staring at the wall blankly for a few hours. Something inside him crumples at the thought of disappointing Louis like he knows he will.

"What's wrong, love?" Louis asks softly, reaching out to run his fingers through Harry's long curls soothingly.

Harry sighs and decides to just get it over with.

"Here. Read over mine. You'll see why then, I'm sure," Harry replies, handing over his list, and he can hear how defeated he sounds, how he's on the edge of... something. He's not quite sure what.

Louis looks at him in concern and confusion, but takes his list and reads through it, noting the differences between the dom and sub lists. Harry knows when he's reached the dreaded part when Louis goes impossibly still, his hand stopping its movements in Harry's hair.

It seems like an eternity before Louis lowers the list and pins Harry down with a sharp look.

"Harold, what exactly is the meaning of this? You'd better explain yourself now, baby girl," Louis tells him firmly.

Harry represses a shiver at the pet name and sucks his lower lip into his mouth as he thinks. He knows Louis' upset with him. He knows he's in trouble.

"I didn't want to lie, but I knew you wouldn't be happy if I answered truthfully, so I left it blank," Harry answers meekly.

Louis just looks at him for a moment. When he finally speaks, Harry wishes he didn't.

"Why would I be happy about you wanting me to cut you up and make you bleed? I already almost lost you because of that kind of shit," Louis says harshly, his fingers tightening into a fist in Harry's hair, making his scalp burn just on the edge of unpleasant.

"Louis, we need to talk about this, not fight. We never talked about it before. You need to understand that I was addicted to cutting myself."

"How the fuck do you get addicted to stupid shit like that?" Louis asks tersely.

Harry continues like Louis didn't even speak. He'll probably be punished or reprimanded for it later, but he needs to get this out.

"It probably doesn't make sense to you, but it was never sexual. It wasn't even about the pain, not really. It was about the relief. It got me out of my head for a while, made all the bad thoughts go away for a while. I wasn't in a good place, Lou, and I came to rely on it more than I would like to admit. I became addicted to it like it was a drug, and the want for it will never go away. Can you at least see the logic behind that?" Harry pleads.

Louis just stares at Harry with his lips purses in disapproval and anger and... fear?

"Lou, I'm not saying you have to do this for me. I'm not saying that if you don't, I'll go behind your back and do it myself. I'm saying this because I want you to at least know about it, if not understand it. If you want the to never add this to our lifestyle, that's fine. I can live with that."

Louis looks at Harry with something like surprise, like he didn't expect Harry to say that. He continues on.

"I just want to feel like I can talk with you about this, go to you when I'm feeling the urge to get that peace of mind and help me through it. You make me strong, Louis, and without you I'm weaker. I don't have the will to resist forever if I don't have you there when I need you. Even if we're thousand of miles away, even if we can't see each other for days or weeks, so long as I can hear your voice and you can talk me through it on my weak days, I can do most anything. I-"

Harry cuts himself off. He sounds clingy and like he's trying to trap Louis into something he doesn't want.

"Sorry. Can we just forget I said anything?" Harry mumbles, unable to look at Louis.

"Babe, look at me."

When Harry refuses, Louis tugs on his hair until Harry is forced to look at him. Once he's sure he has Harry's full attention, Louis continues.

"I will not forget what you just said. Communication is important, especially if we're going to get into this dom/sub BDSM shit. Sure, I don't agree with what you're saying, but I understand. Well, at least a little. I'll never understand why you would hurt yourself like that, but I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. I'm the rope to your anchor, the compass to your ship, remember? I'm here to help you in any way I can. I'm here to keep you from losing yourself, and I'll be damned if I fail at that."

Harry feels tears begin to well up in his eyes, and he lets them. He's just so relieved and happy that he has such an amazing boyfriend. Sure, Louis' not perfect, but he's Harry's, and that makes him very nearly perfect anyways.

"Shh, don't cry, love. I'll help you through this, even if it takes the rest of me life. The knife play will be one of my hard limits, though, okay? I can hit you and make you bruise all pretty from me, and I can even burn you enough to where your skin is a beautiful red color, but I can't make you bleed. I don't think I could stand for it. You died for almost a full minute the last time, and I was so scared I'd lost you. I don't want to go through that again. Is that okay with you, love?" Louis says softly, running his fingers through Harry's hair.

Harry nods mutely, wiping away his slowing tears.

"As long as I have you, I could give up anything," Harry vows quietly.

Louis tightens his hold on Harry as he buries his face into the younger man's shoulder.

"Love you, Hazza," Louis murmurs.

"Love you, too, Lou," Harry returns.

Everything is going to be okay.

~

"Harry."

Said man looks up from his game of Solitaire when he hears Louis call out to him from somewhere in their house.

"Yeah?" Harry calls back as he exits his game. He was losing anyways.

"Come here, love. I'm in the living room."

Harry closes the lid on the laptop and sets it aside for later before he stands, making his way towards Louis like a moth drawn to a flame. Once he enters the room, he sees Louis is seated on the sofa with a nondescript box in his lap. Harry doesn't comment as he settles himself at Louis' feet on the plush carpet, as he's been doing for the last few days. He hasn't been given permission to speak or join Louis on the sofa, so he knows he's expected to sit by his dom's feet quietly.

Once he's settled, Harry looks up at Louis expectantly.

"This just came in the post. I ordered it the day before yesterday, because I felt it was my duty as your dom and Daddy to provide my baby girl with the best. I'm sure yours was high quality, but I wanted to give this to you myself. Understand, baby?" Louis says calmly, though his fingers twitch slightly, letting Harry know that he's nervous.

Although Harry is confused as to what Louis is talking about, he nods obediently. Whatever it is, Harry knows Louis has his best interests in mind.

Louis seems to relax when Harry gives his confirmation. The older man opens the box, already pre-cut, reaching inside, and what he pulls out makes Harry's breath catch in his throat.

There, in Louis' hand, sits a beautiful collar, black leather, like the one he bought, but this one has a little silver heart tag in the center. Louis tilts the collar so Harry can read the inscription and the younger man feels his cheeks flush when he reads the words 'Baby Girl' in the most beautiful, elegant script he's ever seen.

Harry looks up at Louis desperately, silently asking permission to speak.

"Do you like it, baby? You can use your words," Louis says softly, watching Harry carefully.

"I love it, Daddy. It's pretty and so much better than the one I bought. May I wear it, please?" Harry asks breathlessly.

"Of course, love. 'S why I bought it, after all," Louis responds teasingly as he unbuckles it and gestures for Harry to turn around.

Harry follows the unspoken order quickly, nearly tipping over in his excitement, and waits patiently for Louis to fasten it around his neck. Harry has to push back a shiver when he feels the smooth leather brush his skin, pulled tight against his throat as Louis wraps it around Harry's neck to buckle it, which, oh. That's new. He should probably bring that up later, if he remembers.

Once the slight pressure against Harry's throat disappears, he waits as patiently as he can for Louis to give him an order, resisting the urge to touch his new collar.

"Turn around for me, baby girl. Let Daddy look at you," Louis murmurs, his voice already a bit deeper than usual.

Harry obeys as quickly as his lanky limbs and clumsy nature will allow. Once he's safely settled on his knees, Harry peeks up at Louis, subtly tilting his head up so that the older man has a better view of the collar sitting snugly around his neck. The sub watches as Louis seems to stop breathing.

"Baby," Louis whispers, his voice hoarse. After a few moments, Louis clears his throat and continues, visibly much calmer. "Looks so good on you, baby girl."

Harry beams up at Louis.

"May I see how it looks on me, Daddy?" Harry asks, a faint note of pleading in his tone.

"Of course, love. How about I take a picture for you? Smile pretty for the camera, baby," Louis says as he picks up his phone, quickly opening up the camera app. Or, that's what Harry assumes, as he's unable to see.

When Louis lifts the phone to take the picture, Harry smiles bashfully up at the camera, feeling his cheeks flush with happiness and embarrassment in equal parts. A few quiet clicks come from Louis' phone as he takes pictures, and Harry just sits there patiently, enjoying the attention. Once Louis decides he's had enough, if a bit reluctantly, Louis pats his lap in silent command for the larger man to sit on his lap.

Harry pulls himself up from his kneel as gracefully as he can, which is to say that he nearly falls into Louis' lap when he stumbles over his big feet. Luckily, he manages to avoid kneeing Louis to the crotch, though it's a near thing, Harry sees, when Louis winces slightly.

Harry murmurs an apology as he settles himself into his Louis seat, trying to make himself as small as possible. Once he's done, Harry looks down at Louis expectantly.

Instead of showing Harry the pictures he just took, Louis drops his phone onto the couch beside him and pulls Harry down into a searing kiss. The younger man mewls into the unexpected kiss, but returns it full force. By the time Louis pulls back, Harry's head is a little fuzzy, and he's already forgotten what they were doing before Louis kissed him.

"Christ, pet," Louis whispers breathlessly. "The way you look."

Harry preens under the praise. Pet is a new endearment, one they've never discussed before, but Harry finds that he enjoys it.

"Let's show you how you look, why don't we?" Louis murmurs, picking up his phone from beside him. After a few moments of Louis fiddling with it, the dom turns the turns the screen to Harry.

Harry feels his breath leave him. Does he really look like that?

In the picture, Harry's cheeks are red, his eyes bright as he looks up from his kneeling position. His lips, a bit red from his habit of chewing on them when he's thinking, are stretched into a small smile. His long hair is loose, falling slightly into his face, looking shiny and healthy, ending at his collar bones. And around his neck is the collar. The black leather is stark against his skin, making the tan he has now look paler than usual, but he doesn't look sick. The little tag dangling from the center sits against the hollow of his throat, the skin there almost cradling the metal like it's precious. He looks beautiful.

"Daddy," Harry chokes out, a bit overwhelmed with how perfect the collar looks on him, how much it makes him look pretty and worthy of his dom.

"Shh, baby girl. I know. Look so lovely with my collar on you," Louis says, his voice quiet, like he doesn't want to break the fragile moment, as he wraps his arms around Harry, one hand rubbing up and down his back soothingly while the other grips the younger man's hair just hard enough to ground him.

"Thank you, Daddy. It's perfect," Harry tells him once he's calmed down.

"I'm glad you like it, love. I spent hours trying to find just the right one for my beautiful baby girl. When I saw this one, I just knew it would look amazing on you," Louis tells him.

Harry just stares down at Louis in amazement for a few moments.

"Kiss?" Harry asks.

"Of course, baby," Louis says, smiling up at Harry, his eyes crinkling with it.

When Louis brings Harry down to meet him by his grip on his hair, the taller man knows everything is okay.

~

Nothing is okay.

Today is the last day of their break, and Harry is freaking out. He knew it wouldn't last forever, and he loves performing, sure, but over the last week, he's felt nothing but wonderful. The new dynamic between Louis and him has begun to settle into a routine by now, and all of that is about to be thrown away.

Louis' been shooting Harry looks when he thinks he won't notice(Harry notices; he's always watching his Daddy), and the sub knows it won't be long until Louis confronts him.

Harry's proven right when, while they're watching telly with Louis laying on the sofa and running his fingers through Harry's hair absentmindedly and the younger man kneeling on the floor in front of him, leaning back against the sofa, Louis suddenly mutes the television.

Harry turns to Louis questioningly, but doesn't speak up. He hasn't spoken much today.

"Baby, you know you can talk to me if something's wrong, right?" Louis says, his eyes a little sad.

The heavy, oppressive feeling that has been building up in Harry's chest ever since he realized how short their time together is begins to bubble over, but Harry quickly clamps down on it. He doesn't want to bother Louis with something silly like this. He doesn't need to be Louis' sub.

"I know, Daddy. There's nothing wrong," Harry says slowly, trying his best to make the lie sound believable.

He must fail, because Louis calls him out on his bullshit.

"Harry, I can tell something is wrong. You've been quiet all day, and I can't tell what's going on with you. Communication is important, love. You need to talk to me if I've done something wrong," Louis says softly, like he's trying not to frighten or startle Harry.

"You've done everything right, Lou. Everything. Nothing's wrong," Harry repeats insistently.

Louis looks at Harry with something akin to disappointment, and it only makes Harry's anxiety increase. He feels awful lying to his dom, but he doesn't want to confront the issue. He doesn't want to hear that they have to stop. He needs-

No. He doesn't need this. He can give this up. He's being selfish.

Harry feels a sort of calmness fall over him at the thought. It's what gives him the courage to speak up.

"I think we should stop this."

Louis looks at him like he's just been slapped across the face.

"W-What? I thought- I thought you wanted this, baby," Louis says, suddenly looking small and confused.

After a moment of thought, Harry answers.

"It's not what I thought it would be like." It's better. "You've been good to me." You've been the best. "I just don't think we should continue anymore." No, please, don't say yes. Please don't agree. I need this. I need y-

Harry clamps down on the thoughts circling his head viciously. He doesn't need this. He doesn't need Louis to be his dom. Harry's sick and disgusting.

"O-Oh. Okay. If that's what you want, baby gir- Harry. We can stop and forget this ever happened, okay?" Louis says uncertainly, still looking a bit shaken up.

Harry nods and pulls himself up from the floor.

"'M going to take a nap," Harry mumbles, avoiding Louis' eyes as he walks out of the living room without waiting for a response.

Once Harry makes it back to his and Louis' bedroom, he hesitates outside the door before he turns on his heel and heads for the guest room. He needs some time alone. He doesn't trust himself not to take it all back if he sees Louis again.

Once he's settled into the guest bed with the lock turned, Harry just turns on his side and stares at the wall.

He feels like crying. He feels awful and dirty and disgusting and just plain bad. Louis deserves better than him. Harry should never have coerced Louis into this kind of relationship. The older man was perfectly content with their old relationship, and Harry took that away from him. Harry is despicable.

Nothing is okay, and it will probably never be again.

~

They've been back in tour for a few weeks now, and it's been nearly as long since Harry and Louis have even spoken to each other.

Louis keeps sending Harry these looks that range from sad to frustrated to fearful. Harry feels awful whenever Louis looks at him, even more so than he usually does, so he's taken to ignoring the older man, as impossible as that task sounds, and Harry knows Niall and Liam have noticed.

Liam always looks like he wants to speak up, but Niall just shakes his head at him whenever he opens his mouth. Harry is grateful to the faux blond, but it's hard to remember to thank him when Harry has a hard enough time just functioning.

It's thrown their whole dynamic off. With Harry and Louis not on speaking terms, and Niall playing mediator, no one in the band really talks to each other outside of shows, which is a huge change from before.

Before. Before everything changed. Before everything went to shit. Before Harry ruined his and Louis' relationship with his selfishness and fucked up fantasies.

It's been a near thing more times than Harry cares to count where he found himself itching to take out the kit with his razor blade in it, still tucked away in a secret compartment in his bag from two years ago. Harry swore to Louis that he'd thrown it out, and it remains to this day the only lie he's ever succeeded in telling. He just couldn't bring himself to get rid of it.

The only thing keeping Harry from pulling it out is the memory of Louis' face two years ago when he found Harry bleeding out on the bathroom floor, still vivid as if it happened only yesterday. Your last memory before you die has that effect on people, Harry supposes.

Still, Harry feels the need for it bubble up more often than he'd ever admit to anyone, especially Louis, if they ever got back on speaking terms.

Harry's fiddling around on his phone half-heartedly in his hotel room when there's a knock on the door. The long-haired man frowns as he stares at the door. No one should be coming to see him. No one has for the past week or so, ever since Niall came by to let Harry know that he'd keep Liam away so he and Louis could sort out their issues in peace, so he knows it's not Niall or Liam, especially since they both went out to a pub just an hour or so ago. Could it be Lou-

No. Why the fuck would Louis want to see him? Harry is a disgusting, twisted person. Louis has no reason to even want to look at a piece of shit like Harry.

Harry purses his lips at the thought and strolls over to the door, just to tell whoever's there to go away. He's not up for company.

On his way, Harry happens to pass a mirror and finds his feet are rooted to the floor when he sees his reflection.

He looks awful. His hair is greasy and stringy, a veritable mess. His face is pale and his cheeks are a bit more sunken in than usual, since he hasn't been eating much lately. There are dark bruises under his eyes like he hasn't slept in weeks(which is actually more or less true. He doesn't sleep well anymore), and his eyes themselves are dark, seeming to have lost the life that always used to show in pictures. Harry looks rough, to say the least.

There's a knock on the door again, startling Harry out of his thoughts. Harry grumbles to himself as he makes his way to the door, and when he throws it open, he doesn't even look to see who's there.

"What," Harry snaps, his patience thin.

"Oh, I- Uh... Is this a bad time?"

Harry's head jerks up when he hears the voice.

There Louis stands, looking uncertain and frightened. Harry sees that these past few weeks of separation haven't been kind to Louis, but they've been kinder when in comparison to Harry.

Louis' hair is rumpled and frizzy from the heat, like he just rolled around in bed for hours. His skin is slightly paler than it was a few weeks ago, and his cheekbones cast a shadow that must be at least an inch wide, more gaunt than Harry's ever seen him. Louis' eyes are bright with concern, amongst other things that Harry can't really pick out right now. Harry can't help but think he still looks unfairly good, even if he's obviously not well.

Remembering that Louis said something, but unable to remember what, Harry says an eloquent, 'huh?' that makes him sound like an idiot. Harry wants to smack himself.

"I- Hazza, I think we need to talk," Louis says, a bit of his hesitation seeming to leave him.

Harry presses his lips into a thin line as he nods reluctantly. The younger man needs to apologize to Louis and try to gain his forgiveness for coercing him into something so disgusting and wrong.

Harry opens the door wider to allow Louis entrance and walks back to his bed without a word, sitting back against the headboard. When Harry looks up, he sees Louis is still standing a bit uncertainly in the doorway, like he's not sure if he's allowed to come inside. Harry raises an eyebrow in annoyance.

Louis seems to come back to himself and walks inside, closing the door behind him. When he walks over to the bed Harry is sitting on, he hesitates only a moment before he crawls up to sit across from him. Once he's settled, Louis looks up at Harry and seems to take in his appearance for the first time. The older man frowns at what he sees.

"Hazza, are you okay?" Louis asks worriedly.

Harry wants to snap back, "Do I look okay?" but he restrains himself. He won't gain Louis' forgiveness by being mean to him. Instead, Harry nods.

"'M fine," he answers, and if it comes out with a bit more bite than he intended, well, what can he do?

Louis seems to shrink in on himself a bit at Harry's answer, but his frown still deepens.

"You don't look fine to me, love. Have you been sleeping? Eating?" Louis presses.

"I said I'm fine, Louis. Fuck off," Harry snarls, and shit. He did not mean to say that.

Louis recoils like Harry's physically slapped him. He looks nothing like he did a few weeks ago, his powerful and in control Da-

"Christ, Hazza. What's happened to you? Is it because I pushed you into a BDSM relationship when you didn't want it?" Louis whispers, looking near tears.

Harry's response dies on his lips, because. Did he hear Louis right? Harry hears the confusion dripping from his words when he speaks.

"What are you talking about? I'm the one who pushed you into that kind of relationship with my disgusting, twisted fantasies."

Louis looks immediately startled and concerned at that.

"What? Hazza, you were the one who said you didn't want to do it anymore. And- What? Love, what you like isn't twisted or- or disgusting," Louis says, stumbling over the last word.

"Of course it is, Lou!" Harry shouts. "What normal person wants to call their partner Daddy and be called a girl and fucking- fucking- Fuck!"

Harry's unable to continue. He breaks down into the loud, heart-wrenching sobs that have been building up for weeks, covering his face with his hands so Louis can't see his shame. He's just so tired and weak and over it. He wants Louis back. He wants his Daddy back.

So, when Louis gathers Harry up in his lap and starts whispering soothing words to him, Harry can't stop himself from blurting out what's been wanting to come out ever since he first called it off.

"I'm sorry, Daddy! I'm sorry! Please don't leave me, Daddy. I need you," Harry sobs.

And Louis, to his credit, only pauses briefly in his words before he continues on with, "I'm not gonna leave you, baby girl. You're my best girl, yeah? 'M always going to be here for you, love," and other such things that make Harry feel like he's finally whole again after being torn apart so long ago.

When Harry finally calms down, he pulls away from his Daddy's shoulder, wet from his tears, and gives him a wobbly smile.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," Harry croaks, his voice wrecked from all the screaming and the crying that he did.

"It's okay, baby girl, but we need to talk, okay?" Daddy says softly.

"Talk tomorrow, please? Floaty," Harry asks in a small voice.

Daddy looks torn for a moment before he shakes his head.

"I'm sorry, H, but we need to talk now. I need you to come back up for me, okay? Don't want you to run from me again. I need to understand, baby."

Harry whines, but tries to do what his Da- what Louis asked him to do. He can tell how much he's hurt Louis by distancing himself without any explanation. He'll do anything to help him understand, even if he doesn't quite know how to put it into words right now.

It takes a while, but Harry's head is finally clear. He takes a deep breath and pulls back. Louis looks at him with patience.

"I'm sorry, Lou. I just- When we were home, I started to get this bad feeling that- that we wouldn't be able to keep our relationship the way it was while on the road, and I got scared. All these awful thoughts went through my head that you wouldn't want me anymore, and that I'd forced it on you when you didn't want it. I was- I was in a really bad place," Harry tells him, a pleading note in his voice for him to understand.

Louis looks alarmed.

"Baby, did you-" Louis breaks off and begins pulling up Harry's sleeves and pulls his jeans down.

Catching on, Harry shakes his head.

"No, no! I didn't, I promise! I couldn't. I- I couldn't hurt you like that again. I won't lie, though, I thought about it. A lot. I'm sorry, Lou," Harry says, his voice getting quieter at the end.

Louis sags in relief.

"Baby, I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I wish you had talked to me, though. Is there anything else that made you think those things? Anything I did?" Louis asks worriedly.

Harry is silent for a few moments, debating on whether he should tell him. They're being truthful, so it's safe to tell him, right?

"We never had sex when we were- after our relationship changed," Harry tells him hesitantly.

Louis' eyes go wide and he doesn't speak for a moment. When he does, it comes out in a rush.

"Baby, I'm so sorry! I just didn't know how to start something like that. I wanted to. Believe me, I wanted to. But I just didn't know how."

Harry frowns.

"You couldn't do it wrong, Lou. Not with all the research we did. Besides, I could always red out if I didn't like it or it was too much. You know that, right?"

Louis is quiet for a few moments before he chuckles.

"We were both a bit dumb about this, weren't we?" Louis says as he tightens his arms around Harry.

"Yeah, I guess we were," Harry returns with a smile beginning to stretch his lips.

"Are we okay now, baby?" Louis asks, after a few minutes of silence.

Harry nods.

"We're okay now."

And even if they aren't okay all the time, Harry knows they'll work through it.

**Author's Note:**

> So, how was it? I hope you all enjoyed it! Please leave a comment to tell me what you liked and what you thought could be better. Please, no kink shaming. I will delete any comments that kink shame and/or are just mean and rude. If you didn't like it, leave constructive criticism, please. I take all comments into consideration when I write, and am always looking to improve. If you find a problem with my writing, please let me know, yeah?
> 
> I reply to all comments.
> 
> Here are my links! Feel free to follow me on Twitter, where I post updates on my fics. I don't use Tumblr very often, but I go through periods where I'm addicted, so I might as well leave that as well.
> 
> Twitter: justashadow722  
> Tumblr: JustAnotherShadow503


End file.
